The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night Main Event # 12 - 10.03.87
(Originally written 11.23.20)
You may have heard of this show before. The previous version I had was from 2007, which means… uh… new format and it's GOTTA GO. I won't rest until they are all purged from my records.
For some reason, the Network version removed the bassline background music from the pre-show promotions and replaced it with generic crowd noise. I don't even understand them.
Saved from Hershey, PA (9/23), drawing 9000 and a rating of 9.7. This is actually a pretty quick turnaround time for these, as they were normally a month late.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan
Intercontinental Title: Honky Tonk Man vs. Randy Savage
So Savage was cheering around the horn and they decided to do a little experiment by having him replace Hogan in the main events, and it went pretty well. So now we understand this. Savage's promo is primo absurd, because he's been in the DANGER ZONE, yeah, south of Mars and north of hell, dig! Also, Jimmy Hart doesn't know the difference between a thong and a guitar string. Mean Gene: “Ha! That's funny! ”Savage:“ NO IT ISN'T! ”I feel like this required a Goodfellas reaction from Savage. The longtime heel Savage is instantly in babyface mode, as Honky hits him with a cheap shot in the corner and Savage goes straight to sell, but then makes a comeback and puts Honky on the neck. Savage drops a knee and pulls away in the corner, but Jimmy Hart s takes it to Liz and Savage to start another fundamental change in the relationship, as he defends her instead of using her as a shield. Back in the ring, Macho poses Honky with another elbow and pulls away, but he misses a knee brace and Honky gets to work, but then goes to put the moves on Elizabeth, which results in another Savage hit and a handful of flying axis. I feel like angering the jealous monster with large amounts of drugs is, dunno, a bad idea? Savage gets a backdrop suplex for two, but Jimmy breaks the count, so Macho goes up with a flying ax handle for two and Jimmy pulls Honky into the ropes this time. Finally, Savage has had enough of this shit and punches Jimmy, but Honky tries a sunset flip. And Savage hits him in the head to block that, so Honky runs off again as the Hart Foundation shows up to provide support and moral support. And they defend the titles later, so it makes sense that they are in the building! Back in the ring, Savage continues to beat Honky as Bret goes through this whole comedy routine trying to revive Jimmy Hart, who is still completely cold from Savage's one punch. They bring him back to the locker room and we take a break, and come back with Honky and the Harts coming back for more shots from Savage. Honky gets a few kicks but Macho continues to destroy him, before missing a blind charge to eventually put Honky on the attack. He walks away around the corner and approaches the flying fist, but it's missing and now he's fucked. Savage comes back and chokes him in the corner and gets a back elbow for two. Snap suplex gets two. Honky throws him out for a Harts beat and Vince knows EXACTLY what to call that for maximum impact, and back in Honky gets two. Honky goes for the finish, but Savage somehow escapes his ridiculous daredevil and goes up to drop the elbow, at which point Bret Hart comes in for the DQ at 3:18 pm and the beat begins .
So, as you might have heard of before, the Harts are hitting 3 on 1 Savage and Honky grabs his guitar, at which point Elizabeth desperately steps in and pleads for mercy. And then Honky, in the bastard heel movement of the century, pushes her down and the crowd is shocked. And then they finish breaking the guitar on Randy, but Liz goes back to the locker room for the nuclear option and finds Hulk Hogan to do the rescue. He probably must have paid for it in advance. Hulk is really playing a good game here, coming down with a "WTF?" Watch his face as Liz drags him around, then seeing the Harts in the ring and suddenly realizing that EVIL IS AFOOT and he runs to right the wrongs. How Savage offers the handshake (not the Hulk, mind you) and the Megapowers are born. And Vince is like ...
… And then like…
… And then Fry was like…
And then the dog was like ...
Ha, this dog makes me crack. HE THINKS HE IS PEOPLE!
So to call it an atomic bomb on the wrestling industry is probably even under-selling a bit. What was Crockett going to do to overcome that? Jesus was still awesome all these years later and I've seen it a million times. Plus the game was great. Honky was an underrated sneaky guy who knew exactly how to do the shit he needed to do. *** 1/2 Another great touch that made it feel more spontaneous and real: Hogan's music was not highlighted when he was taken out to save which is another touch that gave the impression that the Hulk was not. expecting to be involved.
WWF Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Sika
“Night of Champions” continues with a questionable challenger for the Hulk, but apparently Kamala refused to eat the leg on national television and did not show up here. How STUPID do you have to be to refuse that kind of pay? Probably not had to ask Sika twice. Sika attacks in the corner and stomps Hulk, allowing Fuji to choke and hit Hogan in the throat with the cane. But the Hulk doesn't sell him and appears to push Sika to the ground, where Kimchee hangs out for some reason. Back home, the Hulk drops his elbows and then goes after Kimchee, but Sika hits him with some kind of international object and sends him to the ground. The Hulk continues not to sell and throws Sika to the post, but he steals Fuji's cane and threatens the refs like a maniac, at which point we pause. Back with no real interruption to the action, at which point the Hulk dodges a charging Sika, but attempts a BIG SPLASH?!? Yeah it's bad for him, and Sika is going to work with his Samoan martial arts. "What's Hogan going to do now, run to the locker room and ask Elizabeth to help him?" Bobby asks. Sika uses his various nervous and other tenures, but the Hulk barely offers him the honor of resuming his comeback before dropping the leg at 10:00 am to finish him off. As if he had seriously slammed her and dropped her leg, not even doing the usual routine. It's just RUDE. Not much to this one. * 1/2
Meanwhile, Mr. Wonderful and his new, very mismatched manager, Oliver Humperdink come after Bobby Heenan. Who looked at Humperdink and thought he would make a good BABYFACE? He literally looked like a troll!
King Kong Bundy vs. Paul Orndorff
Orndorff attacks to start and knocks in the corner, but Bundy chokes him on the ropes and clubbers on him with the forearms. Meanwhile, Vince suggests that Bobby is afraid of being at ringside for this, which is why he's rather commented on tonight. Bundy beats Orndorff with his elbows and rakes his eyes for good measure, but misses a big elbow and Orndorff makes a comeback and comes back up with a middle elbow. Boogie Woogie's elbow gets two, prompting Bobby to give up the spread position while Orndorff gets a dropkick for two. This leads André to offer his help at ringside, and we take a break. Back with Paul coming back and banging in the corner, but Bundy knocks him down with a chinlock, then misses the Avalanche. But then Andre grabs Orndorff's tights and holds him in the corner, and a second ends at 10:00 a.m. Hell of a start to Orndorff's big babyface push with Humperdink out there. **
Meanwhile, the Harts feel like they were absolutely right to beat Savage earlier tonight because they were just defending their manager! And Mean Gene calls them worse than Pearl Harbor, and throws the mic in disgust before they storm. Real professional out there, Scheme Gene.
WWF World Tag Team Title: The Hart Foundation vs. The Young Stallions
The Stallions won an untitled game to start their half-thrust, but then spent weeks working at the Harts around the horn. The two-team Stallions, Bret to start and Powers get a powerslam for two, but Bret catches up with a knee in the gut and Anvil comes in and strikes. Powers attempts a comeback and Bret gets his patented knee off the apron then drops an elbow before choking him. Bret knocks him to the ground, but Powers attempts a sheepdog and kind of kneeling down in a weird yawn, which makes Roma hot the beacon regardless. Double dropkick puts Anvil on the ground and Roma gets his big powerslam for two on Bret, but Anvil makes the save and they put the geeks aside with Hart's offense at 4:34. Just basic Superstars level squash. *
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage are pretty preoccupied with JUMPING THE UNIVERSE with the combined power of Macho Madness and Hulkamania, as they continue to give extra handshakes like horny teens kissing for the first time. Oh, they are so cute!
And we end with the WORLD PREMIERE of the Piledriver music video. The thought of having to live in a house built by Don Muraco, Billy Graham and Billy Jack Haynes is, frankly, terrifying. I feel like after the first round of meds it would be like Ned's rebuilt house after the hurricane. Rooms that aren't going anywhere, rooms with too much electricity, you name it.
It was of course a stopwatch, one of my favorite episodes of the whole series. But of course your mileage may vary. I do not know why. But it could.
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“Scream” star David Arquette has an extreme volonté that almost cost him his life — professional wrestling.
Two years ago, Arquette faced off against ex-con Nick Gage in a deathmatch, the most hardcore style where the wrestlers swing chairs, baseball bats and the like.
With blood gushing from his neck, Arquette gets up and tries to pin Gage but can’t. He jumps out of the ring, holding his neck. Then, he climbs back in and smacks Gage with a folding peau. After a couple of minutes, though, Arquette is the one who gets pinned.
“It nearly cost me my life, ” Arquette told the Star of the match. “I was in way over my head. I was about half an inch from death…”
Arquette decided to go back into the ring after fellow pro wrestler Jack Perry, the son of late actor Luke Perry, assured him that he wasn’t bleeding to death. Perry is the one who took Arquette to the hospital.
Arquette told the Star : “I could hear Luke but I couldn’t see him, ” Arquette told the Star. “I said : ‘Luke is it pumping ? ’ because I was worried I was bleeding out and he said : ‘No it’s not pumping. ’ I knew at that point I wasn’t dying immediately, I could try to finish the match. ”
Arquette has had a lifelong love affair with wrestling, which is traced in a new documentary, “You Cannot Kill David Arquette. ” The film tells of how Arquette has spent the past two decades trying to earn back the respect of the wrestling world — after he won the World Championship Wrestling heavyweight title as a publicity stunt for his movie “Ready to Rumble. ”
In those years, the 49-year-old Arquette has battled heart problems and drug addiction. After the Gage match, Arquette’s wife, Christine, told him : “I just feel like you want to die, ” the actor recalled.
“I don’t want to die but life is painful, ” Arquette told the Star. “If you have addiction issues like I do there’s an element in the back of your head that the addict is literally trying to kill you. You have to find ways to deal with it so you don’t continue to kill yourself, either slowly or quickly. ”
For Arquette, wrestling helped him deal with the deaths of Luke Perry, a close friend who died of a stroke, and his transgender sister, Alexis, who died of a heart attack.
“Losing someone is really painful but a few things have happened to make me feel we are all much more connected, ” Arquette said. “For wrestling, you shave everything and at one point I was looking at my arms and it was like I was looking at Alexis’ arms, as being transgender she would shave them… For a deuxième it was like I was looking through Alexis’ eyes… I think we’re a lot more connected than any of us know. ”
Through the film, Arquette has finally learned to accept himself. “I accomplished what I set out to do, ” Arquette told the Star. “I wanted to prove I could be a wrestler. And through this whole experience, I figured out – and it’s ironic – I need to stop beating myself up. I had to stop attacking myself and be kind to myself, as corny as it sounds.