I'm starting to feel that if I'm in a new relationship with a healthy co-parent, I'll always come after him, the kids, and his ex. I know I have to establish that I am not coming to be a step-parent, just a bonus adult figure who may or may not become a friend.
But what's the guy's point of view? What is the guy going through? The compartment in which he cares for the biological mother of his children, the guilt and responsibility he seems to have, and the concern for his happiness, are they separated from his new relationship? Even though he says I'm his future and he doesn't want to get back together with his ex, isn't it because he has already met his other needs like, he already has a family, and I am her fun and sexual romance partner?
We had the discussion about the exclusivity and all the right steps that would make any dating coach proud, we talked about great things from day one, for example, we kept things clear but also started to share this that we were looking for and our past experiences, and yet it all happens like a creepy giant bear. I feel like I'm potentially losing a lot and I'm an ultra-resilient woman who's conquered a lot of hardships and created a life that I love. I feel like a helpless, trembling wimp in the face of it all.
thank you for your Love U Podcast, thank you for your wonderful material. I've seen your name since I started looking for dating stuff in 2007.
This has been edited for clarity. What you will notice is that there are so many fears coming together that it looks even more like a transcription of consciousness flow from your brain than a singular letter. That's why the only way to handle it is to resolve and answer all your individual questions, one by one.
What is the guy going through?
If I were you I would appreciate this time because it doesn't last forever.
If he's your boyfriend in a new relationship, he's probably going through the same emotions most people experience in the first 18 months: dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and the dizziness of meeting someone who attracts him, who cares about him, thinks and wants to be with. If I were you I would appreciate this time because it doesn't last forever.
Are the compartment in which he cares for the biological mother of his children, the guilt and responsibility he seems to hold, and the concern for his happiness, separated from his new relationship?
Yes. This is something I was literally talking about last night - most men I know don't care who you've dated in the past, but women seem to be obsessed with it in ways that can veer off into something. unhealthy people. I have been with my wife for 12 years. I don't remember the last time I asked about him. Even in the first year of dating, all I knew was this: he cheated on her, she divorced, she had been in a relationship for 18 months with another guy who walked away, and this was going to be REALLY easy for me to be better than these guys. So will a man ever erase his history with his ex-wife? Will he ever stop worrying about the welfare of the mother of his children? I hope not! What kind of man stops worrying about the well-being of the person who co-appears with his children? But it's completely separate from you. His old life against his new life. Like an old job for a new job. The old job helped you learn what you could be, and you use that wisdom to move on to a new job and, for the most part, don't look back.
Even though he says I'm his future and he doesn't want to get back together with his ex, isn't it because he has already met his other needs like, he already has a family, and I am her fun and sexual romance partner?
You ask the question that I ask myself several times a day for 17 years. How do I know if a man will be my husband or not? How can I tell from his profile? How can I tell from this text? How can I tell how he acts on the first date? How can I say now that we are dating? How can I tell now that we are sleeping together? How can I tell now that he's my boyfriend? What is the answer?! I don't want to hurt myself! I don't want to waste time!
Deep breath. Bomb of Truth Dropped:
You can't say, definitively, if you're going to end up together for the next forty years. This is what dating is for. To experience what it's like to be a fully integrated couple and see what it feels like on the road, when the keeper has been ditched and everyone has exposed their worst flaws. Before that, it's all an audition and YOU are in control. Instead of wondering if he'll pick you to be his wife, how about reframe that and see how you feel about your relationship next week, next month, next year.
The point is, you may decide that he's having an unhealthy relationship with his ex, or that he gets really critical during a crisis, or that your sex has drastically reduced to the point that you're dissatisfied. Who knows what the future holds?
The thing to watch out for right now is not whether he's guaranteed to be your husband, but rather how you feel about him. In a good relationship, you don't always know it's him. But in a failed relationship, you almost always know when it's not. Pay attention to that feeling - and pay attention to its corresponding words and actions.
You said he was talking about a future. I would take that at face value. Marriage-oriented men talk about marriage. Men who don't want to get married DON'T talk about marriage. As long as you are with the elder and he treats you well, I can assure you that he is thinking about marriage with you. All you can do is enjoy the ride and get off when you stop enjoying it.
Especially if the alternative is endlessly worrisome and turns a good thing into a bad thing - based on nothing more than your own fears and insecurities.
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Are you single and looking for love ? Are you finding it to meet the right person ? When you’re having dysfonctionnement finding a love connection, it’s all too easy to become discouraged or buy into the destructive myths out there about dating and relationships.
Life as a single person offers many rewards, such as being free to pursue your own hobbies and interests, learning how to enjoy your own company, and appreciating the quiet moments of solitude. However, if you’re ready to share your life with someone and want to build a lasting, worthwhile relationship, life as a solo person can also seem frustrating.
For many of us, our emotional baggage can make finding the right romantic partner a difficult journey. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, saine relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. Or maybe your dating history consists only of brief flings and you don’t know how to make a relationship last. You could be attracted to the wrong type of person or keep making the same bad choices over and over, due to an unresolved provenant from your past. Or maybe you’re not putting yourself in the best environments to meet the right person, or that when you do, you don’t feel confident enough.
Whatever the case may be, you can overcome your obstacles. Even if you’ve been burned repeatedly or have a poor track record when it comes to dating, these tips can help put you on the path to finding a saine, loving relationship that lasts.
The first step to finding love is to reassess some of the misconceptions about dating and relationships that may be preventing you from finding lasting love.
While there are health benefits that come with being in a solid relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being solo, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in. ” Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. And nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.
This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.
Women and men feel similar things but sometimes express their feelings differently, often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.
Love is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones, but emotion often influences volonté more than hormones, and sexual volonté can become stronger over time
When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of ( often unrealistic ) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. Retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.
Needs are different than wants in that needs are those qualities that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick petit cocktail at a bar before last call.
Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.
Remember that first imprimés aren’t always reliable, especially when it comes to Internet dating. It always takes time to really get to know a person and you have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations. For example, how well does this person hold up under pressure when things don’t go well or when they’re tired, frustrated, or hungry ?
Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has flaws, and for a relationship to last, you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person they think you should be. Besides, what you consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and appealing. By shedding all pretense, you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to an honest, more fulfilling relationship.
Build a genuine connectionThe dating game can be nerve wracking. It’s only natural to worry about how you’ll come across and whether or not your date will like you. But no matter how shy or socially awkward you feel, you can overcome your nerves and self-consciousness and forge a great connection.
Focus outward, not inward. to engagement first-date nerves, focus your attention on what your date is saying and doing and what’s going on around you, rather than on your internal thoughts. Staying fully present in the moment will help take your mind off worries and insecurities.
Be curious. When you’re truly curious about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll come across as far more attractive and interesting than if you spend your time trying to promote yourself to your date. And if you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there’s little point in pursuing the relationship further.
Be genuine. Showing interest in others can’t be faked. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, your date will pick up on it. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. Rather than helping you connect and make a good figure, your exercices will most likely backfire. If you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there is little point in pursuing the relationship further.
Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.
Put your smartphone away. You can’t truly pay attention or forge a genuine connection when you’re multitasking. Nonverbal communication—subtle gestures, termes, and other visual cues—tell us a lot about another person, but they’re easy to miss unless you’re tuned in.
Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services like speed dating are enjoyable for some people, but for others they can feel more like high-pressure emploi interviews. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.