What advice would you have for an unhappily married woman who is separated but still has to reside in the home with her husband for financial reasons? I have two children in college, housing is more than I can afford and don’t make enough to support myself and my kids. I’ve been married for 25 yrs., most of my life. Separation would mean taking kids out of college, no insurance and, well…many other things. I’m 47, other women have told me that my time to find a suitable mate will be harder if I don’t do something now because “more desirable, high quality” men prefer youth. The problem is my “married on paper” is a roadblock. my marriage is absolutely over but we’re still tied to each other because of finances, children, like many other couples. I’d really love your input.
– Stuck and Miserable
I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, S&M. I know it’s small consolation but you are far from the only one who is in this predicament. I know someone who told her husband she was leaving him and then got locked down by coronavirus. Awkward! I have a client who called me from her car bawling that she was stuck and paralyzed and wanted me to fix her miserable 23-year marriage (I don’t fix broken marriage; I get people out of them). Another woman told me she had been dumped 14 times by her man but was back with him for a 15th go-round and hoping for different results. Let’s just say that if I was a betting man, I’d put the whole ranch on divorce lawyer stock in 2021-22.
As far as YOUR situation goes, my friend, while there are no painless solutions, there are some easy conclusions you can draw from your situation.
- You’re separated. That means that both you and your husband have expressed the intent to consider divorce even though you are highly dependent on him financially. That tells me that things were making you so unhappy that ANYTHING would be better than continuing to stay in this relationship. Please don’t lose sight of that; your feelings are your North Star.
- If you have two kids in college, I would surmise that your husband also wants them to succeed, so their futures should not be on the table or at risk in this discussion. Of course, I could be wrong; I guess I don’t see how the end of your marriage would mean the kids have to leave college. I admit that I’m lacking your financial information and the mindset of your husband.
- If you’ve been married for 25 years, I would assume that there are divorce laws protecting you. Have a conversation with a lawyer (or a mediator to keep it even less expensive/less contentious) and find out what your options are. I have a friend who got divorced last year and they settled without lawyers for a more-than-fair monthly stipend to support her in addition to her working income.
- Your friends suck and you shouldn’t turn to them for advice. Being 47 isn’t the reason to act now; being UNHAPPY is the reason to act now. Do you want to be in this position in one year, five years, ten years, or the rest of your life? How long are you going to let your (very rational) economic fears dictate the rest of your life and prevent you from freedom and lasting love with someone else?
Listen, I’m in no position to minimize the scope of what it means to be on your own for the first time in your adult life at age 47.
But from where I sit, you have two forks in the road:
One is to stay on the current path of misery and the other is to attempt to find a peaceful and moderate settlement that allows your kids to go to school and for you not to starve.
Fear is always the problem and never the solution.
It’s obvious what I think. Fear is always the problem and never the solution.
Yet it’s up to you: how much is your happiness worth? Is happiness being a prisoner in your home? Or is happiness having the freedom to reinvent your life from scratch?
I wish you luck with whatever you choose.
click here to discover more
Are you single and looking for love ? Are you finding it to meet the right person ? When you’re having trouble finding a love connection, it’s all too easy to become discouraged or buy into the destructive myths out there about dating and relationships.
Life as a single person offers many rewards, such as being free to pursue your own hobbies and interests, learning how to enjoy your own company, and appreciating the quiet moments of solitude. However, if you’re ready to share your life with someone and want to build a lasting, worthwhile relationship, life as a single person can also seem frustrating.
For many of us, our emotional baggage can make finding the right romantic partner a difficult journey. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. Or maybe your dating history consists only of brief flings and you don’t know how to make a relationship last. You could be attracted to the wrong type of person or keep making the same bad choices over and over, due to an unresolved issue from your past. Or maybe you’re not putting yourself in the best environments to meet the right person, or that when you do, you don’t feel confident enough.
Whatever the case may be, you can overcome your obstacles. Even if you’ve been burned repeatedly or have a poor track record when it comes to dating, these tips can help put you on the path to finding a healthy, loving relationship that lasts.
The first step to finding love is to reassess some of the misconceptions about dating and relationships that may be preventing you from finding lasting love.
While there are health benefits that come with being in a solid relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being solo, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in. ” Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. And nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.
This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.
Women and men feel similar things but sometimes rapide their feelings differently, often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.
Love is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones, but emotion often influences volonté more than hormones, and sexual volonté can become stronger over time
When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of ( often unrealistic ) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. Retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.
Needs are different than wants in that needs are those qualities that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick petit cocktail at a bar before last call.
Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.
Remember that first imprimés aren’t always reliable, especially when it comes to Internet dating. It always takes time to really get to know a person and you have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations. For example, how well does this person hold up under pressure when things don’t go well or when they’re tired, frustrated, or hungry ?
Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has flaws, and for a relationship to last, you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person they think you should be. Besides, what you consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and appealing. By shedding all pretense, you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to an honest, more fulfilling relationship.
Build a genuine connectionThe dating game can be nerve wracking. It’s only natural to worry about how you’ll come across and whether or not your date will like you. But no matter how shy or socially awkward you feel, you can overcome your nerves and self-consciousness and forge a great connection.
Focus outward, not inward. tera combat first-date nerves, focus your attention on what your date is saying and doing and what’s going on around you, rather than on your internal thoughts. Staying fully present in the moment will help take your mind off worries and insecurities.
Be curious. When you’re truly curious about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll come across as far more attractive and interesting than if you spend your time trying to promote yourself to your date. And if you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there’s little point in pursuing the relationship further.
Be genuine. Showing interest in others can’t be faked. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, your date will pick up on it. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. Rather than helping you connect and make a good impression, your efforts will most likely backfire. If you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there is little point in pursuing the relationship further.
Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.
Put your smartphone away. You can’t truly pay attention or forge a genuine connection when you’re multitasking. Nonverbal communication—subtle gestures, expressions, and other visual cues—tell us a lot about another person, but they’re easy to miss unless you’re tuned in.
Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services like speed dating are enjoyable for some people, but for others they can feel more like high-pressure emploi interviews. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.